Every storm passes. And with a strong ship we will be able to emerge in total safety. Photo: Pexels
I have thought a lot about whether our emotions are part of spirituality or not, since spirituality is “the science of the soul”, how I like to call it. But who we essentially are is not our souls only but our brain and heart too, our emotions, our faults, our lessons and our personality.
Our personality is shaped throughout our life and essentially determines how we act on this earth and eventually what lessons we learn. It is important to heal our emotional wounds, as it could make us bitter, resentful, mean, unable to trust etc.
Going through life as a healed and healthy individual can shape our path and the outcome as well. In a healed state we are much more able to connect to our higher self and essentially live a life that is more in tune with our spirituality.
This topic goes deeply into psychology, and since I’m no trained psychologist I want to encourage you to do further research if you’re interested. However, I want to share what I have learned so far and how I’m working on overcoming past hurt, trauma, and wounds.
How emotional wounds are caused
When we get hurt by someone else’s actions it shapes us and the way we act in the future. We don’t want to relive those hurtful moments – whatever they are – and therefore behave in such a way that will protect us from getting hurt before it can even happen.
These can be situations with family, friends, romantic partners, colleagues, strangers or with ourselves. In the blog about our three selves, I explained every part of us wants to protect us and acts a certain way out of love. Our base self – the inner child – craves love and connection and wants to open up to other people.
The conscious self however acts like a robot, totally based on rationality, not on emotions. That’s the part that draws up walls and makes us walk away in situations we actually want to stay in.
Emotional wounds in relationships
Emotional wounds can come from many different places. It would be difficult to go into detail with every single one. Here are a few that came to mind:
- You feel like people only use you for their benefit
- You feel like people manipulate you
- You feel like people only want to get you into bed
- You feel like you need other people’s approval to prove your worth
- You feel like drawing boundaries with people makes you a bad person
- You feel like you can’t trust people because they want to hurt you
- You feel like people are dishonest with you to get what they want
Personally, I have always had the feeling that men only show interest in me, not because they want to date and actually be with me, but because they want to sleep with me. And once they get what they want, they leave me.
This comes from the fact that in the past some showed interest and when I told them I wasn’t open for anything sexual at the moment, they left. It comes from the fact that some men wanted to cheat on their girlfriend with me.
It comes from the fact that they turned mean or cold once they realized they didn’t get what they want and so on. And now, I have a hard time believing someone who says they care for me, because I think they want to manipulate me into doing things I don’t want to do yet. Can you resonate?
Coping mechanisms and trauma responses
Coping mechanism are ways to help us deal with uncomfortable situations. They could be drawing up a wall around our hearts, becoming cold, ending things before they even started, keeping someone at a distance and not letting them close to us. Just so they can’t hurt us. It makes us become emotionally unavailable, unable to open up to someone.
This causes us to self-isolate. When things get extreme, these behaviors can push us into loneliness and even depression. Connection and contact to other people is crucial for our happiness and survival and therefore only is in our own best interest to heal and dissolve these issues.
Here are a few issues people could have if they got hurt before. Do you recognize any of these behaviors?
- Trust issues
- Emotional unavailability
- Commitment issues
- Fear of abandonment
- Fear of rejection
- Anxious attachment
- Avoidant attachment
- Self sabotage
- Etc.
How we react when the emotional wounds get triggered
When we don’t heal what hurt us, we will hardly ever be able to have healthy and trusting relationships. Since I’m not an expert on this topic I can only speak for myself. I will illustrate how I found out how I react when my wounds get triggered, so maybe you can recognize yourself in them:
1. Trust issues:
Because I was treated rather badly by an ex-boyfriend while he still told me he loved me all the time, I got confused about what the term “love” meant. I thought, how could he hurt me like this when he says he loves me.
And so now, whenever someone shows me affection, I don’t believe they mean it. I rather think they only say it to manipulate me and get something out of me instead. In order not to get hurt, I distance myself from them and don’t let them get too close.
2. Commitment issues:
I found out that I don’t really want to commit to a man because I’m scared, I’ll be trapped in a relationship. If I was in a relationship with the “wrong” man – like it was in the past – then I won’t be available, should I then meet the “right” man. I feel like I’m better off alone than be in a toxic relationship, hence I don’t want to commit.
3. Fear of abandonment:
I have also had it quite a few times that someone I really cared about moved away and abandoned me. Again, I don’t want to get involved with someone who could hurt be like that and prefer to stay at a distance instead.
Abandonment doesn’t have to occur over distance. Fearing being left in general is also a form of being abandoned.
4. People Pleasing:
I have for a long time thought that I have to earn love by being nice to people. I thought, telling them no would mean I hurt them and I couldn’t bear it. When being a people pleaser, receiving approval from others serves as a way of proving you’re worth something and are loved or at least appreciated.
But the hard truth is that placing your worth in the hands of others by trying to please them is a disrespect to yourself. They don’t really care about what you do for them and you won’t earn yourself love that you actually have to look for within you.
5. Anxious attachment:
This is a form of trying really hard to hold onto someone, because you might be afraid of being left by them.
6. Avoidant attachment:
This one is the definition of drawing your walls up so no one can reach your heart and break it. It’s a coping mechanism that tries to handle all of the issues above. This also results in becoming emotionally unavailable.
7. Being emotionally unavailable:
When being emotionally unavailable, we tend to close our hearts off to the world and try not to share anything that’s going on within in order not to be vulnerable.
Emotional wounds in childhood
All of the coping mechanisms and issues don’t necessarily have to occur in relationships, most wounds actually happen in childhood. Almost every child gets a little traumatized by their family, even when they grew up in a really loving one.
But parents don’t always know better because they themselves have been hurt in the past and sometimes still struggle with the same stuff. That’s one of the reasons we try to heal them.
These are some common aspects that could have caused emotional wounds in childhood:
- Having to earn love
- Feeling responsible for the parents’ moods and feelings
- Being compared to siblings
- Feeling neglected
- Not feeling good enough due to talents (or lack of), looks, personality traits etc.
- Feeling abandoned
- Abuse and violence
- Etc.
One could write a whole book about such things, which is why I try not to go too much into detail. However, whatever coping mechanism you have adapted, whatever issues you have and whatever traumas they are caused out of, remember that such issues are solvable.
When we reflect enough, we find what triggers us. Everything we do, whether it’s not trust, anxiously attach, avoid, close ourselves off, fear abandonment, rejection, etc. is to protect ourselves from the potential hurt that’s coming.
Why we should try to heal ourselves
It is in our best interest to heal our wounds. Acting based on these issues makes us not be able to have healthy relationships. It makes us reject potentially good people, it makes us not be able to trust, it makes us isolate ourselves and live in loneliness, closed off from other people, unlike what is naturally and biologically good for us.
It makes us calculate what we can get out of someone and potentially manipulate them. We then become the toxic ones, hurting people like we have been hurt and cause more trauma and emotional wounds.
This could be detrimental to the emotional health of your surroundings, your family, your friends, your partner and your children. It’s an uncomfortable place to live in.
Especially when we like someone we want to get close to them but something inside us reminds us of past pain and tells us to get away. But the heart still craves the potential love we could get. It’s an endless inner conflict.
I remember that I have ruined potential friendships or relationships with really good people just because I wasn’t able to open up and trust them enough to let them get close. And it was really sad losing them, knowing that it was my own fault and that I was aware this would happen even before I sabotaged it.
I – and I hope you too – find the meaning and motivation to heal your wounds and have healthier relationships. Here’s a few things you can do.
How to heal emotional wounds and overcome toxic coping mechanisms
1. Observe when you get triggered (example: you draw up a wall around your heart)
2. Find out where the origins of the triggers lie (example: you’re afraid of getting left)
3. Find out where and when you got hurt (example: an ex-boyfriend broke up with you out of the blue)
5. Observe how you act when you get triggered (example: you cancel on people and isolate)
6. Try to identify what issues you have (example: fear of abandonment)
6. Journal about past and present experiences
7. Do Shadow work to find out things that you aren’t currently aware of
8. Actively try to overcome certain issues, (example: draw boundaries with people and say no to them)
9. Tell yourself over and over again that it’s okay to be vulnerable
10. Talk to friends, family and partner about your feelings and emotions
11. Research further on the topic of emotional wounds and trauma
12. Go to therapy and seek professional help (when things get really bad)
These are some shadow work questions I have used to identify some emotional issues I might have:
1. How has attachment shaped your relationships throughout your life? Are there any patterns you can identify?
2. Reflect upon a time in your life when you felt a strong attachment to someone or something. What emotions did this attachment bring up for you?
3. How do you define healthy attachment? What does it look like in your relationships?
4. Describe a time when your attachment to someone or something caused you pain or suffering. How did you cope with this situation?
5. In what ways do you feel attached to material possessions? How do these attachments influence your overall happiness and well-being?
6. What are some common attachment styles you’ve experienced in relationships? How have these styles affected your connections with others?
I hope you liked this topic.
Love, Valentina <3
Written by Valentina – spiritual writer & founder of Valentina’s Diary
