As I had one of those deep conversations with a friend of mine a few days ago, I had a few realizations. One of the main things we talked about was about spending time with people versus spending time alone. I realized both have advantages and disadvantages, both are necessary and important, but usually people prefer one over the other.
There are people out there who feel very uncomfortable spending time alone, which I at first didn’t quite understand, as I love being by myself. As I thought about the whole matter a little more the nights and days after, I was able to gather a number of reasons why spending time alone is healthy and advisable, some of course from a spiritual point of view. Here, I’d love to share them : )
1. There might come times where you have to be alone
This one sounds very obvious. However, I keep hearing stories about people who first have lived with their parents, then with friends or roommates, and later on in life with their partner and family. They have never lived alone. And one day there comes a time when their kids move out and their partner leaves or dies. They get thrown out of their comfort-zone. Because they have never lived alone, they struggle immensely and don’t know how to get out of their misery. Don’t assume that there will always be someone there for you. The faster you learn to be able to survive on your own, the easier life gets when you actually have to confront such a situation.
By the way, I don’t mean to downplay the importance of connection. You definitely should surround yourself with people that support and love you. But it’s not healthy or advisable to be dependent on them all the time.
2. You get the opportunity to get to know yourself
This is the thing that in the end made me love being by myself. There was a time when I was quite lonely because I didn’t have a relationship. And so, I started analyzing what hindered me from having one. I discovered my emotional wounds, my flaws, my patterns, what hurt me and why, how I learnt to cope with disappointment, why I had low self-esteem and how to work on that, etc. It was good for me that I learnt how I can comfort myself when life doesn’t feel very good at the moment. I used that time I had sitting in my room alone to journal, meditate, research, try to understand, read and write. Looking back, I understand that this time was highly beneficial for me as I know understand myself much more. And I love that about myself as it brought me further in life!
3. You don’t have to compromise
I guess when you’re in a relationship not having to compromise it what we miss the most about being single. It really is a blessing. You can do what you want, what you feel like doing. And if you don’t want to do something anymore you can be very flexible and change your plans again. You can listen to what your body needs and act accordingly, without feeling like you’re disappointing someone. Or worse, you don’t have to neglect your own needs for the sake of pleasing someone else and then feel bad about not being able to take care of your own needs. You can take care of yourself without ever having to feel sorry about it.
4. You can do more things that are good for you
It is recommendable to take time once in a while to do something you really want to do – alone. Whether that’s taking your dog for a walk, read a book in a park, drink a coffee and people-watch, meditate, work out, going to a bakery just to get a donut and eat it on the way home, sit on a train while listening to music and looking out the window, cooking or baking something while dancing to a song that you like, take a swim in a lake or (even better) the see, go shopping, or a thousand other things. Again, there is no need to compromise because someone else has a different idea of how they want to spend their time with you. You spend that time just with yourself and whatever you want to do. It will give you the above mentioned opportunity to listen to your heart, check in on how you’re feeling, etc.
5. You can learn to create and reinforce boundaries
This was a major thing for me, that I’m still working so hard on once and for all learn how to do! Personally, I was a (or still am :/ ) a so-called people pleaser, which is a dangerous thing to be, by the way. For the longest time, I wasn’t able to stand up for myself and not do something if I didn’t want to do. Instead I agreed to plans just to please someone else, which leaves you feeling depleted. Spending time alone helps you learn what you enjoy doing and what you want to avoid doing. If someone isn’t able to offer you a better time than that time would be spent alone, it is easier to say no to those plans, at least in theory. But of course, in order to get good at a game, you need to get out there and practice it (hence put yourself in situations where you actually have to say no to someone). That’s what I’m practicing at the moment, and every time I’m able to go through with it I feel like I achieved something. Try it sometime : )
6. You won’t have to accept things that don’t serve you
This point goes hand in hand with the point above. After a while of getting to know yourself and primarily doing things that you love to do, you will really enjoy it, since you’ll really like your own company. As a side effect, doing things with people that might drain your energy, complain, gossip, generally do things you don’t enjoy, doesn’t feel very good anymore and you’ll automatically distance yourself from people that aren’t good for you. Likewise, once you really like being alone, you won’t attach yourself onto someone you’re romantically interested in and get disappointed when things don’t work out the way they used to, because the alternative is being alone. And that feels good too, maybe even better : ) (Again, if you really find someone that’s good for you and that you enjoy spending time with, go for it. Humans are still social creators and connection is healthy… I’m saying find a good balance between the two stages.)
7. You can invest in yourself
Lastly, I really want to bring the point of spirituality back in. Investing in yourself means building towards a version of you that’s better. The improvements that you might want to take are usually physically, mentally, emotionally, financially and spiritually. Being comfortable to spend time with yourself means you actually have time to invest into all of these areas. As I said above, getting to know yourself (in all the areas that I mentioned in the first point), will help you grow as a person and a soul. The most standard thing you can do is journal and meditate. Especially in times of crisis I recommend sitting in silence! Just you and your thoughts. I promise, this practice works wonders. You could also read about spirituality, expand your knowledge about it and try to understand it better. Lastly, grounding is a wonderful practice. Here, you physically get in touch with nature (like grass, water or trees), who will allow an energy exchange that will feel healing and comforting.
Hopefully, you could take something from this and are encouraged to spend your time with yourself, as in reality you are your best friend, your biggest supporter and you biggest investment too.
With love, Valentina <3
