I think especially in the beginning stages of our lives – childhood, teenage years, early adulthood – it is so hard to even understand what love is, let alone look for it. And I guess it’s a common fear of ours as humans to never find it and end up alone and in solitude. To quote Ana Milán – my favorite Spanish actress – “love can’t be bought. And neither can desire. The magic of love is that it works how it wants. You don’t know where you’ll find it, neither when, neither how and neither in who. One day it happens. Or not.” So, it looks as though the case would be clear, no? Love can’t be found. It finds us. But is that all? Can we really not look for love? I say you can do some things to increase your odds of finding love in this world.
1. Get to know yourself first
This is the number one thing. You need to be a full and complete person already before you engage with someone. Otherwise, you run the risk of letting yourself be absorbed by them. Learn who you are, what you are like, what you hate and love to do. How you like to spend your time. Find out, how you can charge your batteries. What sparks joy in you, what makes you laugh and cry. Learn which kind of movies you like, and why. Find things you want to dedicate your time to. Be interesting. Have hobbies and passions. Find your purpose. Diversify, build your personality. Learn to set boundaries. Take time for yourself. Do what feels good. Don’t waste your potential. Find things that speak to your heart and soul. Define yourself through these. Then, with that full plate you can walk into the arms of someone.
2. Make experiences
In order to be able to get to know yourself, you need to try things first. You will quickly find out what you enjoy doing. And whatever that is going to be, you should always keep doing it, whether you’re single or in a relationship. The best way to experience the world beyond what’s in front of your door step is to travel. And to travel alone is even better. But also you can try new hobbies; sailing, skiing, sky diving, painting, going to the park, the opera. Find new things in your surrounding; parks, cafés, restaurants, gardens, galeries, museums, theaters. Take classes; cooking, guitar, singing, painting, acting. Move your body. Hike, swim, bike, dance. Look for experiences beyond the known. Best is to do it alone, but whatever you feel most comfortable is good enough. Making new experiences will help you grow faster than no other thing.
3. Fill your life with good things
Once you have tried many things and found out what you really want in your life because it brings you joy, you should start incorporating it into your routine. Make it part of your daily life. I say this because when we’re ’empty’ – meaning we don’t really do anything else than working, sleeping, eating and watching TV – it’s much easier to become (co-)dependent on a person. When nothing else in life brings us joy and excitement, it is so easy for us to accept low-level experiences with someone who might treat us badly. But if you love yourself and the life you’re living – because you filled it with so many things that spark joy in you – a person really needs to deliver something to be able to add to your life. You are already really happy. The only way you will accept a person into your life is when they can make you even happier. Set the bar high. And you’ll soon find out which person you would want in your life long-term.
4. Heal your wounds
This is a big one. There exists the theory that you attract exactly what you are. It sounds like the Law of Attraction, but in this context we don’t use it to purposely manifest something. It says that if you’re emotionally unavailable, you’ll attract emotionally unavailable people. Same thing goes for immature, greedy, mean, lazy, fake, attachment styles, traumas and corresponding coping mechanisms, personality traits, etc. So, it is only in your own interest to heal those parts of you that are there to only protect you from getting hurt. Because when we do that, we shut out the good stuff because it could turn into pain. But unhealed wounds can also make us toxic. Be the most authentic, healthy, pleasant, lovely and comforting person you can be. And you’ll see that soon similar people will enter your life.
5. Learn to love yourself
This point is crucial when you try to look for love! Without self-love there is no love. If you’re insecure, have low self-esteem, think you deserve to be mistreated (consciously or unconsciously) you let people mistreat yourself (again, knowingly or unknowingly). Here, the concept of own best friend or worst enemy enters the game. Make sure you only allow others to treat you with respect. Because that’s what you deserve! If you’re insecure, you might people-please and allow people to step over your boundaries. No more. Encourage yourself, forgive yourself, trust yourself, thank yourself, appreciate yourself, praise yourself for your achievements, comfort yourself in tough times, be there for yourself when you need it the most and take care of yourself! Because if you won’t, how can you expect others to? Again, low-level experiences will not help you find the love you’re looking for. So better know fast when to say good-bye to the toxic ones.
6. Know what you want
Get really clear on what you want. Know your deal-breakers and your non-negotiables. If you must, write a list of what it is that you’re looking for in a partner. You can also subdivide such characteristics into must-have, better-have and nice-to-have. Why bother? You should bother because even though it doesn’t maybe show you the ‘right guy’ immediately, it definitely does help with seeing who the wrong ones are. Be picky with who you let in, who you give your energy to. Not everyone out there should have access to you. The beautiful thing about meeting someone you like is opening up slowly to them and showing them more and more of who you are with time. If you don’t know what you’re looking for, you waste so much – time, energy, and feelings. Be clear of what you want in a partner and only explore those who show enough effort and potential for you to truly consider them.
7. Develop your intuition
Your intuition is the guide when going through life. It’s like an inner compass that will help you stay away from situations you’re not supposed to be in and instead lead you towards those that are good for you. Sometimes, you find people you never thought you would have bonded with. And yet from the beginning on they just felt right. That’s your intuition telling you to explore something. As soon as you get the feeling of someone could not be good for you though, it’s advisable to listen to that little inner voice earlier, rather than later. And it goes both ways: It tells you who to let in and who to step away from. Start listening more to your intuition – in all kinds of situations – and it will grow stronger with time. We may not be able to look for love, but our intuition will help you decide that someone could really be someone you would want on your side. Prepare yourself so you’ll recognize them when they finally walk into your life and stand in front of you one day.
8. Say no to the wrong ones faster
I tried to explain this above a little already. If you’re with someone and you have enough reasons not to be with them, and your intuition tells you the same as your mind and heart, don’t waste any time staying with them. You don’t own anything to anyone. You’re also not a bad person for choosing yourself and walking away when a relationship doesn’t serve you anymore. I don’t mean throw something away as soon as it gets hard. Every relationship encounters hardship at one point or another. But if someone doesn’t treat you the way you deserve, or they have too many red-flags, too many things you don’t like, why stay? It will take you off the market and hinder you from being with the one you could actually be happy with. Start saying “my husband/wife would never” and watch people quickly loose their power they might have over you.
9. Become the person you would want to be with
This is the one big thing I personally learned in my last big love story. If you really love someone, the focus shifts from “how much love can I get from them” to “how much love can I show and give them”. And careful, this doesn’t mean that you let someone take advantage of how much you’re willing to give them. When a relationship is truly healthy and beautiful, the efforts will be mutual. If you want your partner to be supportive, treat you with kindness, not be jealous, but be trusting, adventurous, funny, a safe space, learn how you can be that for others too.
You can not expect to find a person who is wonderful, perfect in your eyes – intelligent, trustworthy, hardworking, generous, funny, supportive, kind, loving, disciplined, grounded, trusting, etc. – and then not be any of that yourself. You know? Self-awareness takes a lot of work. It is hard to find the ideal partner. But it is even harder to see your own flaws and work on them in order to be able to turn into that ideal partner. But the former can’t happen without the latter. So, you better get to work 😉
10. Trust devine timing
Lastly, this really is the last thing worth saying – is that like so often in life we have absolutely no control over what happens to us. The scary thing about love is that it seems like our future happiness completely depends on another person. Not like in our career, our hobbies, passions, apartment or friendships, we can’t really actively do anything that will make a person magically appear. Love is a mistery. I think we’ll never truly understand what it is until we have lived it. So no, you can’t really look for love. But there are plenty of things you can do. And the last thing is to trust that whatever is supposed to find will find you at the exact time in your life that you need.
What is supposed to be yours can’t be taken away from you. And what isn’t meant for you, you can’t force into your life. That goes for jobs, friends, experiences, places, people and lovers. Trust will help you relax a little at least.
Let me know what you think, and feel free to add more 🙂
Love, Valentina <3
P.S. A really good book to read about love in the context of spirituality is “If the Buddha dated” by Charlotte Kasl. Read in my library why I loved it.
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