Right away I’m going to dive deep into this topic. I want to explain why it helped me so much to learn how to forgive myself… But first, I want to state what this topic has to do with spirituality… which, as usual, is the heart of the matter. Learning how to be able to live well with oneself, without shame, guilt, self-hatred, insecurities, etc., is something that helps your soul grow in a more natural and healthy state. And as stated often before, we want to gather as many wisdoms and lessons in a lifetime as possible. Then, we get the most out of this brief experience on earth. We want to build an environment for ourselves where our soul feels at ease, because only then it can thrive. Now, how to do that best?
Forgiveness is essential for self-growth
I know for a fact that there are a ton of people who silently suffer from various forms of disrespect to oneself: Guilt, shame, low self-esteem, people pleasing, anxiety, weak boundaries, seeking outside validation, and so on. All of these stem from a lack of self-forgiveness. I have seen this in my own behavior. I was taught certain things, I couldn’t always act based on that. It then made me feel like I was a bad person. I took it out on myself which hurt my self-esteem. I didn’t trust myself because I didn’t act in my own best interest. Therefore, I used to leave the house with anxiety. This is no nice way of living. And it’s definitely not an environment a soul can feel good in, no matter what the body might look like or in what circumstances one grew up or lives in.
Self-forgiveness is the only step one has to and can take to start a spiral of a more healthy relationship between body and soul.
You owe it to your younger self
When we are born and still young, and not yet molded according to society’s needs and demands, the concept of disliking oneself is not yet implemented in our system. It is unnatural to us to dislike ourselves! With time we grow up being aware of the expectations society, family and friends included, puts on us. And as soon as we act in a way that doesn’t correspond with that idea, we get punished by others. Eventually, this turns into self-punishment.
Oftentimes, I imagine the young girl I used to be. I remember her being very sweet, kind, pretty, cheerful and innocent. I owe it to her to treat the girl and woman she will eventually turn into with respect, because that’s the only thing she deserves. Whenever I catch myself punishing me (in terms of guilt for example), I imagine myself saying such things directly to her face. I imagine her getting hurt by that (because that’s essentially what happens, we just don’t realize it). And seeing her face then makes me want to stop immediately!
Forgive all versions of yourself
The most effective strategy is not only to care for and show affection to your inner child, but to all the versions you once were. Do you even know how the teenager inside you feels, every time you still call her ugly? She doesn’t deserve that! Every single thing your younger self did, he or she had a reason for! And it’s well possible that she didn’t always act in her own best interest, but to be accepted by others. Most likely, she did it to feel better about herself in one way or another. Don’t blame her. Show her the love she deserves, instead.
I read before that every drug we take, no matter how big or small, is a way to fill a hole, an absence, in our life. Keep that in mind whenever you judge yourself for every little thing you did.
Forgive yourself as fast as you can
A few months ago I was doing something stupid. I did it because in the moment it felt good. However, I already knew that afterwards I would feel guilty about it and even regret doing it. It doesn’t matter! While I was in the act, I thought to myself ‘well this is going to take a lot of self-forgiveness in the morning’. And so the next morning I journaled a number of pages, writing down why I acted the way I did and why that’s not the end of the world. I knew I had to forgive myself. Otherwise, how will I live in peace? And if the choice whether or not to forgive is on us anyway, why not choose to do so? Even if it takes some reassuring talk with your reflection, journaling, talking to a friend or some crying late at night, then do that!
If you can, forgive yourself right then and there!
Your past, current and future self will be fine
A little while ago, when I was paying attention to my thoughts, I got mad at myself. Or rather, I felt pity. I thought why do I, my current self, need to work so hard to feel good? I have to do get up in the morning and go to university, I have to work a summer job, I have to learn how to set boundaries and communicate well even though I hate confrontation, just so I can get rid of my people pleasing tendencies. And I’m the one who has to forgive all my past versions for the stupid things they did, just so I can feel better in the future? And I thought, who the hell does anything for me?
At first, this conversation in my head might seem ridiculous, but it was one of the first times I took myself dead serious. The answer I came up with is very pleasing to me: Your future-self will. She will forgive your current self just as much as you are forgiving your past selves. Because you taught her how it’s done and she loves you for that, as you have given her so much life quality. Because of the hard work you are putting in now, trying to learn, understand, grow, build, heal, she will have a better life. And she is hugging you and wiping your tears just like you did with the little girl you still have inside you.
In order for all versions of yourself to be able to live in harmony with themselves, it is crucial that you learn the art of self-forgiveness.
How to make self-forgiveness happen
The first step to self-forgiveness is knowing that the thoughts and ideas that were inflicted in you, are not necessarily correct. Just because society says that too much sex takes away your value, doesn’t mean that’s true. Only because they say your body can’t be beautiful, doesn’t actually make it ugly. Learn what your own opinions are and act according to them.
Learn the difference between feeling guilty and listening to your gut. Your gut, or your heart too, know what’s best for you and lead you into that direction. Guilt, once again, is society’s demands being applied to your actions without your will.
Step away from people that don’t want the best for you. If it’s hard for you to forgive yourself for doing something, but you would never judge someone else for doing the same thing, that person that judges you for it, doesn’t have your best interest in mind. Therefore, they are not worth listening to.
Don’t judge yourself for anything you wouldn’t judge someone else for. If you have the ability to be kind to someone, not only should you be kind to yourself for the same reason, but you should also demand kindness towards you from other people.
Understand that forgiveness is the only way forward. There is absolutely no benefit in not forgiving yourself for past actions. You can’t change what you did or didn’t do, can you? You might as well accept yourself and move on!
Allow yourself to feel whatever feelings come up in the process. They are necessary to process the emotional chaos that’s going on inside of you. Every feeling has the right to be felt. If you suppress any of them, they will find one way or another to come to the surface anyway.
With lots of love, Valentina
