As I have more and more be trying to understand why we choose certain lives for us – even ones that cause us suffering – I have started to fall into this trap. I call it toxic spirituality. Spirituality is usually something that people fall back to when they need non-physical help or support in a life that feels painful or difficult at times. However, if you’re not careful these spiritual beliefs can turn into toxic ones. In the end, they can carry you into an even more wrong direction.
Don’t ever disregard your own suffering for someone else’s
Over and over again have I stated how important it is to appreciate what you have in life. It’s very likely that you live a much easier life than most. I guess you have a bed to sleep in, a roof over your head, regular and healthy meals, clean water, safety, peace, an education, loved ones, a healthy and functioning body, maybe a car, dreams and hopes for the future that are in reach for you. If this is the case, you already live better than most people. And we should never forget how lucky we are to have that.
However, more and more have I noticed that I started to disregard my own suffering because I’m convinced that someone has it worse than me. And even though that is probably true, it is not a reason to belittle your own pain, hurt or sadness just because you might have things others don’t. You still have the right to feel sad, to want more, to want different things for yourself than you currently have. And you also have the right to try to fill voids you think are taking away from your life.
Appreciation is good, disregard isn’t
You should be lucky to have a job, even if you don’t like it. But still you should want to one day have a job that also fulfills you. You should absolutely appreciate the place you live at, be that the country, city, apartment, etc. And still can you dream to move out and away. Absolutely should you be grateful to have a bunch of amazing friends. Yet still are you allowed to want to have a healthy relationship with a partner.
In this case, “someone might have it worse” is not a good enough reason to disregard and disrespect your own feelings, dreams, hopes, wishes, etc. We are all allowed to dream for things we don’t have yet. Spirituality doesn’t prohibit you from wanting to change and to grow, even if you’re already lucky.
Lack of suffering doesn’t mean ‘bad’
In my favorite non-fictional book about spirituality (Journey of Souls by Michael Newton) I learned that the older and more mature a soul is, the more difficult of a life they choose, as those usually bring the most valuable lessons. But they’re also the most painful to ‘endure’ and to live. So, stupidly enough I thought that because I’m living a rather privileged life (mind the things I listed above) that that would make me a young, unexperienced soul.
This is toxic because you’re judging yourself for absolutely no reason, again disregarding your own life and experiences. First of all is there nothing wrong with being young. Sometimes we mistake inexperience for stupidity but that is not the case at all. And secondly do you have no idea what kind of lives you have lived before (given that you believe in reincarnation). You might have suffered so much before that you need exactly this life right now.
We choose our lives for a reason
Whatever you life is like, painful and difficult or easy and blissful, you chose it for a reason. Whatever you could experience in this lifetime, will be of value to you. These valuable experiences could show up in a war you have to endure. Or maybe they don’t. Maybe the battles you have to deal with are heartbreak, toxic friendships, an uninspiring work, a place you don’t like, your physical aspects you don’t like, etc. We all suffer from something. Suffering is a natural part of life and is not completely to be avoided. It matters what you make of it, what you learn from it and how it affects you character and your future.
Suffering is not black or white
I read a quote that I love which said: “Most people want to skip the suffering, not knowing that that’s where character is built”. I totally agree with this. Yet I don’t think we always have to suffer to live a life worth living, or to deserve a certain lifestyle. It is absolutely legitimate to enjoy the life you have because you love it. These are the things we live for. Usually, after hardship comes ease and vice versa. Life is never only one experience or only one mood. Don’t be afraid to lean back in the good times when they come just because you’re used to suffering or think life has to be hard.
And by the way, suffering looks different for everyone. If someone else could handle a certain situation easily, that does not mean that you are weak if you find it more difficult to handle. No one has ever had the same life and you and can completely comprehend what you are going through. So, don’t ever belittle yourself or disregard your own experiences because you think others have it worse or would handle your specific situation differently. As long as you can see that what you have is valuable, you’re good.
So, to finish this off… Toxic spirituality to me is thinking life has to be hard to be meaningful. In every experience lies value and you chose this life for a reason, whatever it is like.
Love, Valentina <3
