Sometimes, self-reflection is hard, but truly necessary to live a good life. Photo: Pexels
I feel like loving ourselves a little more each day should be our ultimate objective in life. At least for me. However, lately, I have been struggling with being happy with myself more than ever.
To give you some back story, I just graduated from university and at the moment I have a hard time finding a job, which is something I didn’t expect to happen. And after so much hard work I put it in the last months and years, I suddenly feel a bit useless, lazy (even though I’m not), and just a little down. I doesn’t have much to do with who I am and more with the situation I’m in, but still I’m struggling with this rather bad phase I’m having.
This is just my (and one of many examples) how we can struggle a little with our situations and ourselves even though we really have a reason for picking at ourselves. I imagine that we as people regularly struggle with stuff we don’t really know how to talk about or how to handle it.
Life is never just going the same, there are ups and downs, which is normal. But just in case you’re struggling with your self-image and self-esteem more than usual, here is something I have read yesterday that I liked.
Focus on what you’re not
This is a trick Sylvia Browne mentioned in her book (“The Other Side and Back“). At first, I found it a little counterintuitive – why would you need to know what you’re not? She said it makes more sense to her than writing down a list of compliments, as it’s harder for us to identify ourselves with those. And I feel like she’s right.
I’m not dumb, I’m not ugly, I’m not dishonest, I’m not lazy, I’m not useless might feel more true to us than hearing their positive counterparts. Because accepting something you’re not is easier than something you are, because for something you are, you need to bring action.
So, as long as you can rule out some negative things about you that aren’t true, your self-esteem might have grown so much that you can slowly start telling yourself everything you are.
Make it a habit to grow that list
Now, instead of just telling yourself I’m not stupid and moving on – your job is not done there – try growing that list. Everyday, try to come up with things you’re not. And make them specific. Remember all the things people might have said to you over the years that might have hurt your feelings and add it to your list. Such things could include:
- You’re incapable in the kitchen
- You’re just not good in school, at least you’re pretty – or
- She’s the pretty one and you’re the smart one
- Most people are just a little funnier than you
- Let me do that for you, I’ll do it better anyway
- You’re always so clumsy
- Stand up straight, you have terrible posture
- You’re so selfish for not wanting to spend time with us
- You’re so irresponsible, we can never trust you
- etc. etc.
You can probably come up with a few of such instances on your own. I’m sure there are some hurtful things people might have said about you that you – because you were still young – simply accepted and never stopped believing about yourself.
Self-reflection is key
Now, you not only need to self-reflect to be able to find such underlying insults that might still hurt you up until this day. You also need to be honest with yourself. As soon as you say something to yourself (especially repeatedly) you’ll start believing it. And the more true it is, the faster you can accept it.
So, start off with simple things. What of everything you were told and believe about yourself is definitely not true? Start growing that list. And once you have become more comfortable with that list, become more bold with your statements.
You automatically try to become better
Challenge yourself. Add things to the list you think could be true but still need some evidence to prove it to yourself. This will inspire you to become a better person too.
Because at the end of the day, you want to prove to yourself that what you wrote on that list is true. You want to make yourself proud. And you will be…
Then add things that you are
Now it’s not only time to tell yourself what you’re not, but what you are. By saying I’m not dumb you might have automatically been able to believe I’m smart about yourself too. But maybe not. Maybe you need to reassure yourself separately of all the good stuff that you are.
Instead of just ruling out all the bad stuff you are not. But now that you have (hopefully) already been able to strengthen your self-image a little bit, it most probably will be easier for you to accept all of those “compliments” (that are really facts) you will give yourself.
Concluding thoughts
Building a good self-image for ourselves is truly hard. Especially if maybe you were brought up in a critical environment, where people much more often pointed out your flaws rather than appreciating your strengths.
It takes a lot of work to turn over all of those negative thoughts we subconsciously think about ourselves. But we need to actively work on that, otherwise those negative aspects we think define us will stay there forever.
Telling yourself what you’re not is easier than vice versa and will train you to accept compliments that you will later be able to accept much better when you actually tell yourself through affirmations how good you are. Let me know what the most painful thing was someone told you and what you told yourself instead 🙂
Love, Valentina
Written by Valentina – spiritual writer & founder of Valentina’s Diary
